Pause

Split Road I lost my job one week ago. It was not a surprise, in fact, it was something I had been wishing for. It was “not a good fit.” After just three months, my self-confidence was completely eroded, to the point that I no longer remembered that I knew how to do certain things, in fact, I was once considered capable and efficient, a valuable part of a team.

I was let go of a job for the first time in my life. I walked out of the office into the sunlight, and inhaled a full breath. Then I exhaled it slowly. Carrying a shopping bag with the few belongings I had let myself accumulate, I walked to the train station feeling light. I knew, rationally, that I should be upset and scared. I wasn’t. I felt free.

I let my instincts lead the rest of the day. I called my family. I came home and sat outside for a while. The dog was overjoyed to see me in daylight hours.  I took her to the dog park and watched her run at full speed, engaging with one group of dogs, then another. I had to call my daughters’ sitter and let her know I would be picking up the kids at their schools. I realized I did not know what time I was supposed to pick up the children. Both girls were stunned to see me, but ran to me with open arms. “Mommy!” they squealed. The 7-year-old had so many questions. The 4-year-old was just happy.

It is a week later. I am starting to process what happened, why it happened. In looking for a job, I put the job, the benefits, way ahead of me. What I want to do, what makes me feel happy and fulfilled. This cannot happen again. My job, the next few weeks, is to try to understand my skills, what I have to offer the world, employers, possibly clients? I am keeping options wide open and proceeding with caution and optimism.

In the meantime, I am enjoying my children and talking to people, friends, former coworkers, family. Every conversation reveals another clue, another crumb I dropped, sometimes years ago. I am gathering them, hoping eventually they will fit together. I have no idea what the complete puzzle will look like.

Photo by http://www.nateshivar.com/photos used under a Creative Commons License.

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6 thoughts on “Pause

  1. I was just wondering this weekend how things were going at your new job. I am so sorry to hear that things did not work out and am very hopeful for your future as you piece together your authentic destiny! Love you!! You got this!

  2. Oh, Mel, I had no idea. I’m sorry to her the news, but really happy to read your nuanced perspective on the change. I’ll be thinking of you as you contemplate your next move. I’m here if you ever want to talk. xo

  3. Hi Cousin! I’m sorry to hear about this. The good news is that you are a hardworking and motivated person who has plenty of desired and employable skills. You’ll find new work within a company that will be thrilled to have you around. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I can’t wait to see you and the rest of the family when I come back east for the holiday season.

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