I lost my job one week ago. It was not a surprise, in fact, it was something I had been wishing for. It was “not a good fit.” After just three months, my self-confidence was completely eroded, to the point that I no longer remembered that I knew how to do certain things, in fact, I was once considered capable and efficient, a valuable part of a team.
I was let go of a job for the first time in my life. I walked out of the office into the sunlight, and inhaled a full breath. Then I exhaled it slowly. Carrying a shopping bag with the few belongings I had let myself accumulate, I walked to the train station feeling light. I knew, rationally, that I should be upset and scared. I wasn’t. I felt free.
I let my instincts lead the rest of the day. I called my family. I came home and sat outside for a while. The dog was overjoyed to see me in daylight hours. I took her to the dog park and watched her run at full speed, engaging with one group of dogs, then another. I had to call my daughters’ sitter and let her know I would be picking up the kids at their schools. I realized I did not know what time I was supposed to pick up the children. Both girls were stunned to see me, but ran to me with open arms. “Mommy!” they squealed. The 7-year-old had so many questions. The 4-year-old was just happy.
It is a week later. I am starting to process what happened, why it happened. In looking for a job, I put the job, the benefits, way ahead of me. What I want to do, what makes me feel happy and fulfilled. This cannot happen again. My job, the next few weeks, is to try to understand my skills, what I have to offer the world, employers, possibly clients? I am keeping options wide open and proceeding with caution and optimism.
In the meantime, I am enjoying my children and talking to people, friends, former coworkers, family. Every conversation reveals another clue, another crumb I dropped, sometimes years ago. I am gathering them, hoping eventually they will fit together. I have no idea what the complete puzzle will look like.
Photo by http://www.nateshivar.com/photos used under a Creative Commons License.